Why do I put myself under so much pain and pressure ?

I don’t know why I do it, but I’m always putting myself under pressure to do this and do that. Before I sold my last business back in 1999 I’d already had to give up two other businesses due to my back problem.

I had my first spinal surgery a month after I moved from Cheshire to Nottingham leaving behind friends and family, and my twin sister. It was the first time we had ever been apart. We were so close we would talk on the phone and see each other most days. My sisters second child and my first child even had the same delivery dates !!

We went through everything together and she helped me start up my first business back in the 1980’s, selling jewellery on a party plan basis. I had quite a good business going when we knew we had to move to Nottingham due to my husbands relocation with his work and at first I thought I would be able to continue with my party plan business. But I was in such a mess with my back that I decided to put it on the back boiler for a while until I had completely settled in and made some new friends.

Unfortunately my back deteriorated and I was rushed back to Cheshire for my first spinal operation. Back in the 1980’s spinal surgery was a much bigger operation than now and had about three months recovery time !!!

By the time I had fully recovered I realised that I could not carry on with the business, with two young children and no family or friends nearby we never really discussed whether I should get a job or not but as my husbands hours and trips abroad were long it meant I needed to be around full time for the children.

But, as usual my mind would drift into business ideas and I decided to start a Dress Agency from my front bedroom. Nottingham was a little bit behind trendy Cheshire at that time so I got most of my stock from friends and family in Cheshire. I then advertised it in a local newsletter and quite soon had a nice clientele of ladies who would come regularly to see my stock.

All was going well until I decided to do a big Fashion Show to raise money for a local hospice and it was only a few days after the event that I developed terrible pain in my neck and arm. Over the following months I had various treatments for my neck, and was even put on traction in hospital and so with me out of action so was my business.

My neck just got worse until eventually I had to have what ended up to be emergency surgery on it. The biggest difference with the recovery after this operation was unreal. Immediately after the operation I had no pain at all and after some weeks with my neck in a collar I was out of trouble and pain free.However lifting clothes on and off hangers was something I was advised not to do so I decided to pack it in but I was lucky enough to sell it to someone local.

I never felt as if I had been a failure with either of my businesses I just felt it was circumstances that closed them and so it wasn’t long before I was thinking yet again about what I could do to earn some money. As before we never discussed whether I should get even a part time job. In today’s day and age you would get a job and sort your children out with a childminder but we weren’t that way inclined in the 1980’s and with all my family living a long way away from me, I had to just plod on.

It wasn’t long before a new business evolved and I started a balloon decoration business and this time I managed to keep it up and running for some 10 years which was quite a while in comparison to my previous businesses. Then, quite a few years down the line my neck became so bad again that I had to have a repeat of the first surgery. The only difference this time was that I continued with my business as I had others working for me who could run it while I had the operation. I can remember speaking to some of my clients from my hospital bed to reassure them everything would go ahead as planned.

Then it was only a few years later that I was in a mess again with my back with crippling pain in my lumber region. I tried everything available to cope with the pain, I had injections, tried different medications, had physiotherapy, you name it I tried it. But, just as before I ended up needing yet another operation on the disc above the previous fusion surgery only this time it all went wrong. I had developed an infection and a hematoma which had to be operated on twice and left me in hospital for some months on an iv drip. It didn’t take me long to realise that my health was not only affecting me but also the ones closest to me and I had to think long and hard if yet again I should finish the business and concentrate on looking after myself and my chronic back problem.

It was decided the best option would be for me to retire but I was lucky enough to sell it to someone who had worked for me and to this day continues to run it. I really struggled doing nothing and I would come up with other projects to do in the house and the trouble was the bell didn’t ring until after I’d finished the job !! I did think of another business venture but it didn’t come into fruition as I knew deep down that I couldn’t manage it but my silly brain still keeps thinking of ideas all the time, it actually drives me mad.

Anyway I’ve carried on doing lots of writing and I honestly think without my lap top and the Internet I would have gone potty before now. So, why why why, after a Reflexology treatment a few weeks ago did I think that I could do a home study course on it with a view to maybe making a new career out of it??

I did my first module this week which I found really interesting and it came back with flying colours and I was then sent the second module which had to include some hands on work on my guinea pig patients which I had allocated to be my husband and a friend then as I watched a DVD which showed you the techniques on the massage used in Reflexology I noticed that the Reflexologist kept stopping to stretch and move her neck and shoulders because of the position she was in. So really it should have been pretty obvious to me then that I might have the same problem with my neck but my mind just seems blocks out my neck problem completely.

I then tried to do my first treatment on my husband and was very soon in a lot of pain and in fact the pain was so bad last night that I had to top up my medication with some morphine in order to get any sleep at all.

Today I’ve just kept questioning myself as to why I keep doing this when I love to write so much (as I’m sure you can tell) so why can’t I be content with just that. I know my grammar isn’t up to much, but I still get quite a few comments on my posts which gives me a real buzz.

I feel quite down today, and it’s not like it’s the end of the world, there are lots of people far worse off than me, I know that. You would have thought I would have learnt by now but nature has a strange way of making you forget pain. I mean I’m in quite a bit of pain now after typing all this lot.

Maybe I will tap into google “work for people with chronic pain” – hang on a minute I will just try that. Oh! dear, it may take me a while to get through them as google says there are about 3,190,000 sites to look at ! lol Any more ideas would be greatly appreciated (only joking).:??:

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2 thoughts on “Why do I put myself under so much pain and pressure ?

  1. Great post yet again barbara, I do feel for you and really don’t know what to say – well I think people are like that with me…don’t know what to say, sometimes I think they think I’m making it up, if only we could plug ourselves into someone just for a short few seconds to give them a taste of the pain we are experiancing, then maybe it would be that little bit easier!
    going back to the reflexologist on your dvd, the lady I’ve been to for treatment told me that we will be taught sitting straight infront of the persons feet, but this is not good, we need to be on a stool with wheels so that we can ‘swing’ around from side to side whilst treating the client, this puts out body in less of a stress state and I was advised to get a sadle chair and I’ve got one, I use it sometimes at the pc and it’s really really good – I’m sure you’ve read all about them, you know everything there is to know about backs ect but for those who might read this and dont’ know the sadle stool was invented by someone who actually had chronic back pain and only noticed that when he was riding on a horse that the pain in his back was actually much better so he invented this stool, it cost me £80 and ther are much more expensive one’s out there but it’s really good!
    Anyway…thanks for the blog..
    take care susan xx

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  2. Hi Susan
    Thanks for your comments on my recent blog – you always make me feel better. I hadn’t heard of the saddle stool as I hadn’t looked into anything yet but shall immediately go into Google for that one.

    Forgot to ask – how’s the ripple mattress? Hope its helped.

    I had a relatively pain free sleep last night so I’m feeling far more positive about continuing the reflexology course and trying different positions. Like you said you can’t sit in front of them which is what obviously triggered mine this last time.

    Thanks for reading …………. Barbara xx

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