Something my GP said to me last week prompted me to look into the amount of medications I am taking.
I decided I would start by cutting down on my slow release opiates by half, taking half my usual dose at 11am and the same at 11pm.
My plan was to then start reducing some of my night time muscle relaxants in a few weeks time.
Saturday evening was the first night I reduce my opiates before I went to bed. I slept no worse and felt no different the following day. I was already starting to feel that I should have done this a long time ago.
After my usual walk with the dog on Sunday, it was time for my next dose and although I was a bit uncomfortable, which I put down to the travelling on Saturday, I once again had half my dose.
That evening I did the same as the day before and yet again my sleep pattern was no different than normal.
Monday morning was like any other so again I took half my usual dose.
As the day came to an end I was feeling pretty exhausted and little uncomfortable so I took two paracetamol. When I retired to bed I was well and truly ready for my slow release but as per the last couple of nights only took half my dose.
Today I think I felt how my pain would be without my full dose of opiates.
I woke up feeling awful, and could not manage my walk with Bess due to the pain. I had a quiet morning reading with my heat pad on my low back which by now was really starting to give me a lot of pain.
By the time late morning came, I did not know what to do with myself because of the amount of pain I was in. I couldn’t find a comfortable position to sit or lie in and actually for the first time in a very, very, very long time I became quite emotional and upset.
I’d not told C what I had done so he was getting quite anxious by this stage. I obviously had to tell him what I had done.
At first C’s reaction was of anger, ‘why’, he said ,’would you want to try and manage without your drugs?’. My reply, ‘well actually I didn’t know that I could not manage without them, and wanted to find out how dependant on them I had become’.
C said ‘ well you obviously can’t, so please don’t put yourself through this ever again and take your usual dose’.
I took my usual dose plus some extra paracetamol and have spent the afternoon resting in bed.
How do I feel? Well is this what they call ‘addicted to’ ? I guess in my case the answer is ‘yes’ as I obviously cannot manage without them.
I’m not really sure how I feel about that. I don’t really want to think about it as then I might have to think about what the future holds.
I guess I could finish this post with the simple saying ‘C’est la vie’.